better wasted
by tatty ted
Summary: "You get used to being on your own, you know. People look at you and see you as dirt because of the things your husband did. I know someday I have to get better, I have to stop using vodka as a sedative but how can I learn to trust another man again after the things my husband did to that girl, after what he did to me?" - —Ash/Rita.
1. CHAPTER I

_an alternative scene to Rita and Ash's conversation in "home"_

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**better wasted  
><strong>_i know you're tired of loving_

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><p>"You wouldn't understand," she swirls her finger along the glass of water secretly hoping it was something stronger to numb her emotions. If it wasn't the fact that Ash was sat in front of her, she'd have gone to the fridge and necked an entire bottle of vodka by now.<p>

"Really try me."

She's silent. She's been on her own for so long she's forgotten what its like for someone to care about her, for someone not to see her as that filthy man's wife but as Rita, the second victim in all this.

She swallows hard, "I'm not an alcoholic, what happened yesterday has never happened before. I'm not a victim either so you can stop looking at me like that for starters."

Rita sips the water as Ash drinks his cup of tea. There was a comfortable silence although his eyes couldn't help but be drawn to the vodka bottle on the kitchen side. He wondered how long she'd been drinking herself into oblivion, years, months?

"I saw it in all of you when you discovered who _I_ was married too. Admit it you saw me as dirt too didn't you?"

He shook his head, "no I didn't. I saw you Rita, trying to stop your personal life from meeting your professional one."

"You're lying."

"He isn't you Rita, whatever he did, he isn't you." He made eye contact with her and she glanced back. He had a point. She wasn't the sex offender but why was she still guilty for the behaviour of her husband. Was it because she'd fallen in love with him, stood up in court and defended him against that thirteen year old girl?

"But I loved him. I stood up and defended him, what does that make me?"

She necked the water in one and stood up. Walking towards the vodka bottle she pulled it into reach, unscrewed the lid and necked a small quantity before slamming it back down on the counter;

"I got by by lying to myself. In my head he was locked up in a horrible box, out of sight, out of mind. It was no longer real. I hadn't fallen or stood up for a child molester. Then he rocked up and, and I couldn't deal with it."

"No one blames you Rita."

She laughed. Nobody needed to blame her, she blamed herself. All those sleepless nights before she discovered that vodka was a pretty damn good sedative were spent wondering why she believed her liar of a husband. Why she'd been oblivious to the signs.

"Do you know what he told me, about her?"

Ash didn't say anything, he just watched as Rita became even more emotional, "he told me it was my fault, she was everything I wasn't. If I hadn't been too bothered about progressing in my career, I might just have managed to save an innocent thirteen year old."

"There you go again blaming yourself."

She laughed, "none of you see it do you? I am too blame. This is all _my_ fault if I had been a better wife, he'd never have had to sleep with a child would he? If I'd gave him all the sex he'd wanted, he would never had to go elsewhere."

The bottle slipped from her grasp and shattered against the floor. She looked at the broken glass and the puddle of vodka around her feet. She swallowed hard, tears streaming down her cheeks and she cursed herself for being so weak-willed and crying in front of Ash. If he hadn't thought of her as a mard-arse before he was going to now.

"You need to let this go," he told her as he steered her away from the broken pieces of glass and made her sit at the table with another glass of water, "your hatred for yourself. It isn't doing anyone any favours least of all you, have you spoken to anyone about how you feel?"

She laughed, "You mean a therapist? I've done it all Ash it doesn't work, it doesn't make me forget about what I did to that girl."

He brushed his fingers along her hand, "you didn't do anything. Listen to me, you didn't do anything to that girl. He lied to you too, you weren't to know what he was doing. You need to let it go, you need to stop hating yourself so much."

"Why are you even bothering with someone like me?"

"Because I care about you Rita, even when you're being stubborn and annoying."

She brushed her fingers along his and squeezed his hand. Rita knew it wouldn't last though, the moment Ash found out what a terrible person she was he'd leave, just like everyone else had done in the past.

"You'll never stay around for long Ash, people like you never do when you meet people like me."

"And what's that then?"

She kept her fingers entwined with his as she answered, unable to bring herself to break the link between them; "you know, messed up and fragile. The kind of person who drinks too much and hurts those around her when she's drank herself into oblivion for the third night in a row."

"I'm not going anywhere," he leant over and kissed the top of her head, "will you promise me one thing?"

"I don't make promises they're easily broken." There was a pause between the two before Ash asked, "will you stop drinking, for me?"

She made eye contact with him and swallowed. Oh god drinking was her emotional blanket, her sedative to help her sleep, her reason for still been alive and not dead. She couldn't give it up could she? Couldn't become sober because that meant living (and she was positive only good people were meant to live)

Five minutes of silence must of passed before she whispered, "there's another bottle under the sink."

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><p><strong>jottings<strong> / so I'm not sure how this is going to pan out but stick with it please guys, if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	2. CHAPTER II

Ϟ

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><p><strong>chapter two<strong>  
><em>in this silence i believe<em>

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><p>He leaves her not long after nine, alone in the house with the curtains drawn.<p>

She curses him — _her _— for been so stupid and telling him where the vodka was. Rita would do anything right now to have that vodka in her hand, to drink until she passed out on the living room floor a million miles away from the thoughts of her husband.

She knows realistically she'll never move on, not properly. He won't grant her the divorce she desperately craves, he still wants her. He still wants her to be the second victim, the woman too afraid to stand up to her husband. He doesn't like that he hasn't got control over her anymore, she's an independent woman and he can't stand it.

Rita's never enjoyed been sober, sober means remembering and remembering means being unhappy. She remembers why she's partially damaged so alcohol just becomes that sedative, that distraction, that friend, a reason to get through the night even if its just to drink more in the morning.

She knows to get better — to stay sober — but what if it doesn't work? What if she's too broken to be fixed? What if she doesn't get better? Will she always be a drunk who pushes away those who love her most, people like Ash?

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Ash goes to see her after work, he wants to know how her first day of no drinking went. He breathes a sigh of relief when she opens the door and he asks to come inside. She folds her arms across her chest, "I'm not _drunk_ you know!"

He didn't think she was but the closer he looked at her, the more he realised she was.

"Oh Rita!"

"Go on say it, I'm a failure!" She didn't wait for his answer as she stumbled back into the living room leaving the door open for him to close. He followed her with a sigh wondering why she was so intent on self-destructing. As she placed her hand on the wall to steady herself Ash became alarmed at the blood print.

"Are you bleeding?"

Rita shrugged her shoulders and Ash walked into the living room. He looked around at the state of the room, the picture frames thrown about and the furniture everywhere. He could see desperation in the room and he wondered if he was too hard on her yesterday, was it his fault she'd done all this trying to find a drink?

"I'm surprised your still here," she spoke as she sat on the settee, "most people leave by now."

"Can I have a look at your hand its bleeding," he began and she shrugged again. She wasn't even bothered that it was bleeding, she didn't even feel the pain because vodka was an anaesthetic. It always had been. She picked up the half-empty vodka bottle but he shook his head,

"No Rita, you've had enough."

"Fine," she dropped the bottle and it shattered onto the floor. He sighed deeply wondering if she was always so hell-bent on destroying everything? He sat down beside her and took the hand that was bleeding and looked at it.

Disappearing for a couple of minutes into the kitchen Rita frowned when she heard her cupboard's opening and closing. It was only when Ash returned with the first aid kit, a bowl of warm water and some tissues did she realise what he was doing.

He knelt in front of her careful not to kneel on the glass. There was nothing but silence as he dipped some tissue into the water.

"I'm not a nice person you know," he doesn't say anything but she continues, "I'm a horrible person."

"What are you scared of Rita?" He took her hand in his despite her trying to fight in, "this might sting a little."

"I'm incapable of feeling anything," she whispered as he dabbed the tissue against the cut in her hand. He again ignored her not because he believed what she said but because he wasn't sure what he could say to make Rita believe in herself. There was no confidence there on her part, nothing at all.

"Why are you even bothering with the likes of me?"

"Because I love you," he said without even making eye contact with her. Rita blinked the words running around her head, did he just say love?

"But _how_ can you love someone like _me?"_

Ash made eye contact with her, "I don't know Rita I just do. Tomorrow you and I are going to try again, me and you will get through this together. I don't care how many times you try and push me away, I'm still going to be here."

"Because I love you."

"But when's love ever been enough?"

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><p><strong>jottings <strong>/ if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review!:3


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